Anxiety (Revised Edition)
by Sophia Hawkins
Summary: An expanded AU oneshot set in season 8, more Casey whump, different ending. Something is wrong with Matt Casey, but who can help when nobody else is around to notice?


Anxiety - (Revised Edition)

A/N: The original version of this story was basically written in one sitting and I wasn't fully satisfied with how it turned out and wanted to do an expanded version that went into more details. Thanks to the first episode back from winter break, I found a fitting ending for this revision. Hope you all enjoy, please read and review!

"Kelly!"

Severide was in the process of getting ready for the day when he heard Casey screaming. He ran from his room and charged into Casey's and stood in the doorway, still gripping the knob in his hand, and saw Casey sitting up in the bed, blood on his clothes, the sheets, and his arm that he was staring at in horror.

"What happened?" Kelly asked as he moved towards the bed.

"I don't know!" Casey was visibly shaken by this discovery.

"Let me look," Kelly tried to assess the situation and he noticed all the blood stains ranged from dark red to brown, "looks like most of them dried during the night...let me see." He grabbed Casey's hand and turned his arm for a better look. "You really did a number on it, you must've scratched it in your sleep."

"I don't remember, anything," Casey said, "I just woke up and..."

"It probably looks worse than it is, come on to the bathroom and let's get it cleaned up and get a better look," Kelly told him.

Casey got up from the bed and went with him into the bathroom. The blood was dried and clotted in parts, Kelly carefully washed it off for a better look at the actual wound, and he saw several deep gouge marks around reddened flesh irritated by the scratching.

"Looks bad but it should be easy enough to doctor up," Kelly said.

Casey had a dazed look on his face and Kelly knew he wasn't up to the task, minor though it was, so he cleaned out the scratches with peroxide and once they stopped foaming, he opened a jar of petroleum jelly and coated the scratches with it, then wrapped it up with gauze to keep it clean.

"Just a thought, you might need to clip your nails before you go to bed tonight," Severide commented.

Casey raised his other hand and looked at his bloody nails. They weren't _that_ long but it had been about a week since he'd last cut them.

"This...never happened before," he said slowly.

"Yeah well, don't count on salvaging the sheets, that stuff's never gonna come out," Kelly told him.

"I...I..." Casey blinked and tried to think straight, "I'll get another set tomorrow after shift change."

Kelly just opened his mouth to tell Casey that he was done, then his eyes widened as he saw the dark pink ring around Casey's neck. He reached over and turned on the lights over the medicine cabinet.

"What the hell did you do to your neck?"

Casey turned and looked in the mirror and he seemed to be just as shocked by the sight as Kelly was.

"Looks like some kind of rash," Kelly said as he examined the borderline crimson pattern that wrapped halfway around Matt's neck. He opened the cabinet, took out a bottle of calamine lotion and set to work dabbing around the rash with cotton balls until Casey's whole neck was a pale shade of pink.

"That better?"

Casey looked at himself in the mirror and merely nodded. "Yeah, thanks."

"Exactly what are you getting into now that I'm not around at 51?" Kelly wanted to know.

Casey tilted his head up and looked at the rash and shook his head, "I don't know."

Kelly said something and then left the room, Casey stayed where he was, and despite the mess he already had on his hands, he found himself reaching over and starting to absently scratch his other arm.

* * *

Another shift, another fire, another shower, that was the way it worked. Casey was in the process of washing the shampoo out of his hair when he felt something that had him opening his eyes against the water beating down on him. He stepped back out of the stream and lowered his hands and saw several hairs clenched in his hands. More than several, a couple months back he'd started shedding when the seasons changed, as always happened from the shift from summer to fall and then from winter to spring, just like a cat, but that had stopped weeks ago, and even when it happened, he never pulled these many hairs out at one time. He rinsed out the rest of the shampoo and ran his hands through his hair to wring out the excess water, and wound up with a few dozen more strands of hair on his hands.

Shutting off the water, Casey grabbed a towel and left the shower stall and looked at himself in the mirror. His hair looked the same, the ring around his neck looked irritated again, his arm was just a few pink scratches now, the irritated skin around them had finally returned to its normal color.

_You're a mess, Casey_, he told himself. He felt a prickly heat around his neck and he felt his hands reaching to scratch above his collarbone. Fighting the urge, he lowered his hands. He didn't know what was wrong with him, but he had an _idea_ what it was, and he didn't like it.

* * *

Casey woke up in the middle of the night and found himself scratching his arm again. He immediately stopped and turned on the bedside lamp to see if he was bleeding again. Not this time, the skin was just pink and irritated again. He looked at his nails that he _had_ clipped, _then_ filed to make sure there were no sharp edges, and he knew that that wasn't enough. If he hadn't woken up and stopped when he had, he _knew_ he would've scratched himself until he was bleeding again. He pushed the covers back and got up and headed to the bathroom. He was temporarily blinded by the bright lights but made his way to the medicine cabinet and dabbed calamine lotion on the skin to make it stop itching, then for added measure, wrapped it up in a bandage so he couldn't scratch through, hopefully.

For a brief moment he thought of waking up Kelly and talking to him, but he knew that wouldn't do any good. In any case, anymore when Kelly came home he was exhausted and went to bed not too long after dinner. After 20 years in CFD it was a big and sudden switch to be working 5 days a week, and having an exact schedule, unlike at 51 where you worked as the calls came in. Kelly had enough on his plate right now as it was, he didn't need Casey going to pieces on him, and he didn't need Casey bothering him with his petty problems. Sure, there was a huge gaping void at 51 ever since Severide transferred to OFI, without a word to anybody that he was even going to do it, but Casey forced that resentment down. He'd known Kelly long enough to know the man didn't do anything without a reason. But he'd made it clear when Seager first approached him that he wasn't interested, why did he change his mind? And why so quickly? And why hadn't he told Matt he was doing it? Or anyone for that matter? He wanted to know, but, it wasn't any of his business. Severide was a grown man, he could do what he wanted, he was certainly free to pursue a different career if he so chose...if he decided that 51 was no longer for him, if he decided that the men he'd worked with for 20 years were no longer his family, and he didn't need them anymore...

Casey forced those thoughts down as well, though it took him a few seconds to realize he was scratching his arm again, not the same arm, now he was scratching his good arm, not just scratching, he was clawing his nails over the skin so rapidly he was bound to break through in no time. He forced himself to stop and forced his arms down at his sides where one couldn't reach the other and do anymore damage. He knew it was all connected, and he also knew how stupid it sounded. He was going nuts because Severide had taken a different job and wasn't there anymore. He was a captain, a leader, they led from the front, they didn't have a breakdown because another officer was no longer there. Besides, it wasn't really like Kelly was gone, they were still roommates, even if he didn't get to see or talk to Kelly as much as they had before, as much as he would've liked, the man was still there at the end of the day, there, and no doubt worn out from his new line of work. Despite how much Casey desperately wanted to talk to Severide, he forced himself to go back to bed and leave Kelly alone.

But he didn't go back to sleep easily. He lay awake for a long time, thinking, and lightly scratching the bandage, and the more he thought, the harder he scratched. Eventually he stopped scratching his arm, and instead started scratching the skin around his ribs. It was a long night.

* * *

Casey looked at his reflection in the mirror over the bathroom sink, and did a double take. He shut off the water and stood up straighter and just now noticed the telltale blond hairs hanging on his white captain's shirt.

"What the hell?" he asked as he looked at himself.

His hands automatically started brushing them all off, how long had they been there? Had anybody else noticed? It wasn't as many as he'd pulled out in the shower the other day, but it was enough that this shouldn't be happening. What was wrong with him?

"Casey?"

"GAH!"

Casey jerked on his heel and came face to face with Otis. He'd been in such a frenzy to get rid of the loose hairs that he hadn't noticed the other man enter the restroom.

Otis took a step back and flinched, "Sorry, captain, didn't mean to startle you...uh, there's a woman here asking for you."

Casey blinked, completely caught off guard. "A what?"

"Some reporter, she wanted to get a quote from you on that structure fire we responded to yesterday," Otis answered.

Casey slowly inhaled as he tried to process everything. "Okay...I'll be right there."

Otis turned and left the room. Casey turned to his reflection again. As far as he could tell, he'd gotten all the hairs off his shirt, but he brushed over the shoulders and the front of it again just to make sure. He heaved in a couple of breaths, then immediately doubled over the sink as he felt like he was going to throw up. He felt acid burning from his stomach clear up to his throat, but the moment passed. He composed himself, then went to see what was going on.

* * *

"Hey," Kelly said when Casey came home after the next shift, "what's with the haircut?"

Casey's hair was still coming out, at a faster rate than he was comfortable with, so far it hadn't been noticeable to anyone else but he was worried what would happen if it kept on as it was. He couldn't stop it from falling out but he'd gone to the barber and gotten it buzzed short like he'd had it years ago, if it was shorter, it wouldn't be as obvious that it was coming out, he hoped. The thing was, he'd gotten it cut two days ago, he and Severide hadn't been home at the same time long enough for Kelly to notice.

Casey hadn't really planned on having to explain himself, he just shook his head and commented, "Just decided it was time for a change."

"You couldn't have waited until summer to try that?" Kelly asked. "We're going into winter."

"I know...I just..." Casey sighed, trying to think of a believable lie, "just got tired of the same old thing."

"Ooh-kay," Severide responded in an 'I don't even want to know' tone.

"Why aren't you heading to work?" Casey asked, noticing that Kelly wasn't even _dressed_ for it yet.

"Because it's Saturday," Kelly answered.

"What?" Casey did a double take.

"It's Sat-ur-day," Kelly repeated slowly.

Casey closed his eyes and groaned softly. He didn't even know what day it was anymore.

"You alright? You're not looking so good," Kelly said.

"Yeah, fine," Casey weakly insisted, "it was a long shift."

"I remember," Kelly said fondly.

"I'm...just...gonna...catch a few Z's," Casey said as he gestured to his bedroom.

"Okay, buddy. See you later."

Casey marched into his bedroom and collapsed face down against the pillows.

_Idiot_, he told himself, _he's right here, talk to him_.

But he couldn't, and he knew he couldn't, and he knew _why_ he couldn't. He grabbed one of the pillows and shoved it against his face to muffle any sounds he was about to start making. He couldn't keep going like this, and he knew it, but he didn't know what to do about it. Even against the cool cotton of the pillowcase his cheeks felt hot, his eyes stung, and he pressed the pillow tighter as a few dry sobs escaped despite his better efforts. How was it possible to live with someone and still be so alone? The sobs stopped just before the tears started, he held and stretched out his breaths so he wouldn't make any noises that Severide could overhear from the next room. He had to pull himself together, but he wasn't sure if he could.

* * *

Kelly opened the bedroom door and saw Casey lying face down on the bed asleep. He went over and nudged the captain's shoulder. He was met with a muffled grunt from the pillows.

"Sorry to wake you up, Casey, but dinner's ready. You've been asleep _all_ day."

Another series of grunts let him know Casey would be there soon. Not thinking anything of it, he went back to the kitchen and got the plates out and got everything set on the table. A few minutes later, Casey entered the kitchen and Kelly felt his eyes widen at how sickly pale Casey looked, which he definitely _hadn't_ looked like a few hours ago. He wasn't even sure what to say. It wouldn't do any good to ask if Casey was alright, he could _see_ the man wasn't, and he knew it wouldn't do any good to ask what happened because Casey wouldn't know, and if he did he wouldn't tell.

Casey sat at the table beside Kelly, and got his plate dished up, and then just looked at the food but he couldn't bring himself to touch it with his fork.

"Matt?" Kelly asked, scared as hell at what was going on, "What's the matter?"

A small sound broke loose. Then another. Then Casey dropped his fork on the table with a pronounced clatter, and his whole body started wracking as he brought his hands up to his face and broke down sobbing.

Kelly pushed his chair back and reached over and grabbed Casey and pulled him against him, completely at a loss for any explanation what was wrong.

"What is it, Casey? What's wrong?"

A few particularly loud sobs tore loose, followed by several loud gasping inhales as Casey tried to catch his breath to speak, the first few attempts failed loudly and miserably. Finally Severide became aware of the sensation of Casey pushing against him, trying to get away from him. Reluctantly he let go and Casey shot to his feet and moved just out of Kelly's reach.

"I...I..." Casey heaved in large breaths between the words, forcing himself to actually say them, "I think I'm losing my mind."

Kelly looked at him, puzzled by this admission and troubled by the possibilities it may mean. "Matt-"

"I can't stop scratching...my hair's falling out...I can't keep anything down, I'm sick all the time...I can't sleep...and I can't talk to you about it because you're never here."

Kelly had no idea what to make of that. He stood up and faced Casey, "Matt, I'm here now."

"Yes, _now_...it's not like when you were at 51, you're only home _one_ day a week when I'm not on shift, I hardly see you in the morning before you leave for OFI, if I need to talk to you I have to be penciled in around everything you're doing...I'm all alone at 51 and I don't have anyone to talk to, Kelly!"

He hadn't meant for those words to actually come out, but there they were, and there was nothing he could do about it now.

Kelly was dumbstruck and it took him a few seconds to recover from his shock. "What're you talking about, Casey?"

"You don't get it, do you?" Casey asked, struggling to keep his voice strong, "It already feels like you've been gone for an eternity, and every shift it feels like you're never coming back. I'm not supposed to care who's working at 51, it's not supposed to matter who's there, who leaves, who gets rotated there, just as long as our companies are full and able to do their jobs, that's all that's supposed to matter. But it _does_ matter, it matters that my best friend who has been at that firehouse and I've worked alongside for over 15 years isn't there anymore. Gabby came back out of nowhere, completely messing with my head, and you weren't there when I needed to talk to you. I can't talk to anyone else about this stuff because they wouldn't get it, and there are things I can't tell anyone working under me, and I sure as hell can't go to Herrmann with them and he's the only other officer in-house."

Severide felt like he'd just been punched in the gut.

"Casey, I'm sorry, I didn't know that you felt that way."

"Why would you?" Matt replied, "There's no _time_ to talk to you anymore, at night you're either out with Stella or you're too tired and just go to bed." His voice was breaking now as he added, "And I'm all alone."

Kelly didn't know why he hadn't been able to get his feet to move before, but now he forced them to and he stepped over to Casey and put his arms around his best friend who right now looked very close to having a nervous breakdown. Casey collapsed against him crying again, and gradually the two men sunk down to the floor, still holding onto each other.

"I'm sorry, Matt, I didn't realize this was taking such a toll on you," Kelly told him. "I know, it's hard being away from 51, but it's not for much longer. I'll be back soon."

"No you won't," Casey tearfully replied as he weakly grabbed two handfuls of Kelly's shirt, "they're not going to let you come back."

"Hey, they don't control me," Kelly said defensively.

"Then why did you leave?" Casey wanted to know. "You said you wouldn't, then you left, without telling anybody, without telling _me_, _why_?"

Kelly chewed his bottom lip as he realized the corner he was in. "I'll tell you, but you can't tell anyone at 51, alright?"

"What?" Casey mournfully asked.

"First you need to calm down," Kelly told him as he let go of Casey and brought his hands up to Matt's face to brush away the tears freely flowing down his cheeks.

Casey sucked in several hiccuping sobbing breaths before he finally seemed to calm down enough that Kelly could talk to him.

"You remember that mess Herrmann got into with that cop when we assisted on that hostage situation?"

Casey nodded.

"I told Grissom I'd help OFI with their backlog _only_ if he made the complaint against Herrmann go away, that's all it is, Casey, that's why I'm there now," Kelly explained.

Casey looked at him with a slightly horrified expression and told him, "You shouldn't have done that, Kelly."

"What choice did I have?"

"You shouldn't have done it, we would've found another way to help Herrmann."

"And he gets put through the wringer, for something that wasn't even his fault, and everything he's worked for is just gone," Kelly shook his head, "No, this way nobody's at risk."

"But they're not going to let you come back to 51, Kelly," Casey told him, "now that they've got you they're going to keep you."

"No way," Kelly insisted, "I told them it was just temporary, just to help them clear their overload. All they wanted is somebody to rubber stamp their reports and go along with what their bosses say."

Casey shook his head, "No, Kelly, something is _wrong_. If that was all they wanted, they wouldn't have gone to so much trouble trying to get you. They want you for something else and they're not going to let you go now that they've got you."

"Casey I am not going to _let_ them keep me there," Kelly assured him, "Once their backlog's caught up, I'll be back, it's just going to take a little while longer. They're finding out I'm more trouble than I'm worth."

That worked a small laugh out around the gasping sobs escaping Casey's mouth. He wrapped his arms around Kelly's ribs and clung to him and said tearfully, "I miss you."

Kelly felt something in him melt when he heard those words. He'd known taking on this job at OFI would be an adjustment but he never imagined it'd be as hard on Casey as this. He put his arms around Casey and hugged him tight and told him, "I miss you too."

He couldn't wait to be done there and get back to 51, it was where his family was, it was his home, it was his life's blood. He didn't care what Seager or Grissom or anybody said, when he'd finished what he said he'd do, he was leaving OFI and coming back.

As if somehow reading his mind, Casey shook his head and told Kelly, "They won't let you come back, they've got something planned for you, they'll find a way to keep you there."

Kelly knew he was right. Seager and Grissom both fought too hard to bring him over to OFI _just_ for him to proofread some reports and go along with what everybody else was saying. But, since Casey knew it, and _he_ knew it, then he knew to be on the lookout for any surprises they tried to drop on him. He didn't care what they had planned, he _was_ going to come back to 51, to his family.

His thoughts were broken up by the sudden sensation of Casey hyperventilating against him. Kelly soothingly patted his back and coaxed him to breathe slowly and calm down.

"Hey, look at me," Kelly told him, "it's going to be okay, we're going to figure this out."

"I'm sorry," Casey got out around a set of heaving breaths.

"It's okay."

"No," Casey sucked in another breath and responded, "I'm sorry that dinner's ruined."

Kelly lightly chuckled and told him, "Don't worry about it."

They sat on the floor like that for a couple more minutes before Severide nudged Casey and said to him, "Come on."

Matt looked at him questioningly, "What?"

"Come on," Kelly repeated as he moved to get up and pulled Casey to his feet with him.

"What're we doing?" Casey asked apprehensively.

"Come with me," Kelly told him as he half pulled, half pushed Casey out the kitchen door and through the apartment.

"Where're we going?" Matt asked.

"Come on," Kelly nodded towards his bedroom, "Everything's going to be alright, trust me."

"Kelly-"

"You need to lay down and rest," Kelly said as he half shoved Casey in the doorway of his bedroom and nudged him over to the bed, "come on."

He pulled the covers back and pushed Casey back so he was half sitting, half laying on the middle of the bed. Kelly leaned down long enough to pull off Casey's shoes and socks and eased the Truck captain down against the pillows and the mattress and brought the covers up over him and patted his shoulders through the blankets, "Okay?"

Casey sighed, and slowly nodded. Once every few breaths there was a small dry sob. Kelly went over to the other side of the bed, kicked off his own shoes and laid out on the other side and pulled up the covers as he settled beside Casey. Matt turned on his side and looked at Kelly, the Squad lieutenant reached over and rested a hand on Casey's arm and asked him, "Better?"

Casey sighed again and responded, "I guess."

"Casey, I am so sorry about all of this, if I'd even thought it would be like this..."

"You would've done it anyway to help Herrmann," Casey told him.

"Probably," Kelly reluctantly admitted. "So when did you figure out what was causing everything?"

"I had my suspicions when I saw what I did to my arm and I just started scratching again anyway, even then I thought it was like a nervous tic," Casey answered. "Then when I started pulling my hair out in the shower...it started to all come together."

Kelly shook his head, "I'm sorry, Casey, I had no idea how hard this was on you."

"Neither did I...every day just seemed to get worse," Matt told him. "It feels like you've been gone for years, not weeks."

"I know, and I hate it, but it's only temporary," Kelly assured him.

"They won't let you go, not easily," Casey said.

"Well that's fine, because I've never been an easy person, you ought to know that," Kelly said with a small smirk.

"This is going to make things even worse between you and Grissom," Casey pointed out.

"I don't care," Kelly replied as he folded his arms behind his head and looked up at the ceiling. "All he can talk about is Benny, how he thinks he's taking over for Benny now keeping an eye on me..."

"Steering you towards a better future than 51," Casey wryly added. Then, almost as an afterthought he also added, "Almost like he isn't aware he's dealing with a 40-year-old man and not some rookie fresh out of the academy."

"While Benny was alive, I put up with a lot just to keep the peace...but now that he's gone...I don't care about it anymore," Kelly said.

"You don't mean that."

"Well...not much...and if he doesn't stop pushing me...I _will_ mean it," Kelly remarked. "If I never hear from him again, it'll be too soon."

"He won't leave it at that, Kelly," Casey pushed up on his elbow and looked at him, "You cross him, he'll come after everybody at 51 to get revenge."

Kelly conceded, "Maybe he would, but I can think better on my home turf, anything he could come up with, we could counter against, he _wouldn't_ win."

"He doesn't have to win, he just has to take all of us down with him," Casey said.

"If he was going to do that, he would've done it years ago," Kelly told him.

"But he's _still_ trying to get you to do what he wants you to do," Casey said, "He's not giving up, Kelly."

"Yeah, but he's forgetting that he doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does," Severide replied. "He's not keeping me at OFI."

"For all our sakes, I hope not," Casey replied, "Nothing's the same at 51 without you."

"I know," Kelly nodded, "Don't even get me started on OFI, _nothing_ there's even similar to 51, I hate it, I hate everything about it."

"Do you?" Casey asked hopefully.

"If it wasn't to save Herrmann, I wouldn't be doing it at all," Kelly told him, "I'll be back as soon as I can, count on it."

"You better be," Casey said, "It's murder not having you on shift."

There was a momentary silence between them before Kelly said to him, "So, tell me about what happened with Dawson."

Casey groaned, "It was a mess."

"Did you sleep with her?"

"No...not for lack of trying on her part."

"Why didn't you?" Kelly asked curiously.

"You weren't there, I had enough issues without _that_ one weighing on my mind and _nobody_ to talk to about it," Casey answered.

Kelly busted out laughing.

* * *

"Seager, yeah it's me...I'm not going to be able to come in today...I don't know, might be some flu, all I know is I feel like the walking dead and I'm not sure OFI would appreciate me giving it to all of them...yeah well it wasn't _my_ idea to join, remember? I don't really care what you do, I just need the day off...yeah, I'll probably be in tomorrow...okay, thanks, yeah, bye." Kelly disconnected the call. He could appreciate how dedicated Seager was to her job and how hard she worked, but he would especially be thankful when he never had to deal with her again.

That one was easy. Now for the next call.

"Chief? Yeah, it's me...listen...you need to take Casey off shift today...well he'd tell you himself but he was throwing up all night and just fell asleep...I don't know, probably some 24 hour bug or something...I'm sure he'd appreciate that, Chief, thanks. I'll tell him when he wakes up. Okay, bye."

Out the window the sun was shining over the city, Kelly had slept last night but he felt like he was looking at the sunlight through a tinted glass, like he'd never been to bed. He set his phone down and crept over to the bedroom and glanced in at Casey who was still asleep and tangled up in the covers, clutching handfuls of the sheet and seemingly inhaling the scent off them with every breath he took.

Kelly shook his head and could've kicked himself. He'd been so dead set on getting this done and over with and getting back to 51 that he hadn't been paying attention to what was going on around him. He should've known something was wrong when he saw what Casey had done to his arm and his neck. They'd been friends for nearly 20 years, he knew Casey didn't make a habit, even in his sleep, of scratching his skin clear off. But he never could've imagined it was anything like the revelation Casey had dumped on him two nights ago. It honestly hadn't dawned on him that his absence from 51 would be hard on Matt, least of all not this hard. Now that he knew, he didn't have any idea what to do, the thought of going back to OFI and leaving Casey to his own devices scared the hell out of him.

That first night, Casey had fallen asleep shortly after telling him about Gabby, to Kelly's surprise, he'd stayed asleep all night, as if sleeping beside him had been the answer. Things had been slightly awkward the next morning when Casey woke up and he started to remember what had happened the night before, but now that he'd gotten everything out in the open he couldn't pretend that everything was just status quo. It was Sunday and neither of them had to work, so as they went through the motions of a typical day off-shift when they could just lounge around the apartment doing regular stuff, Severide tried to figure out what all he needed to get caught up on that was bothering Casey, hoping he could take a good chunk of the weight off the Truck captain's shoulders before they had to go their separate ways again on Monday.

The day had passed fine, but at night, Kelly had insisted Casey stay with him again, he wanted to make sure Casey actually slept, and he had, but Kelly woke up once before he felt Casey bumping against him, and saw while Casey was in a dead sleep, he was starting to scratch at his arm again. Kelly didn't want to wake him up, just to get him to stop, so he'd grabbed Casey's scratching hand and pulled his arm over towards him, which in turn rolled the blonde man over so he was pressed tight against Kelly. Severide figured if he let go of Casey's arm, he'd just start scratching again, so he maintained a solid grip on Casey's wrist and somehow or other fell back asleep with Casey half laying on top of him, with his face pressed half against the crook of Kelly's neck and against his chest. He'd woken up that morning more than slightly relieved that sometime during the night Casey had rolled back off of him and was more over on his own side of the bed, he'd briefly inspected Matt's arms and saw he hadn't done any additional damage during the night, and was extremely thankful for that.

And now he was standing in the doorway watching his best friend sleep, relieved that he could sleep, and terrified by what would come next. He'd never planned for things to get this bad, so how could he possibly fix the mess he'd created?

* * *

Matt was still asleep when Kelly looked in on him several hours later. He'd decided to leave Casey alone and see how long he slept, he was sure the Truck captain would hit the ceiling when he found out it was 3 P.M.

Kelly stepped over towards the bed and stood over Casey, and after a minute reached down and lightly patted him on the forehead. Casey groaned and yawned and stretched his arms high above his head and rubbed his eyes as he groggily asked, "Why's it so bright in here?"

"You needed to sleep," Kelly told him as he watched Casey open his eyes, "how're you feeling?"

"Tired," Casey answered, "hungry...thirsty...how long did I sleep?"

"Don't worry about it," Kelly said. "Hey Casey, I'm sorry that I haven't been around as much."

"It's okay, you can't help it," Casey said.

"Yeah, but you know I'm here every night...if something's bothering you, you can come in here and talk to me, you know that, right?"

Casey shrugged, "You have a lot to deal with right now, I didn't want to bother you."

"That's no excuse," Kelly said. "Casey, after everything that's gone on the past few weeks, I don't care if it's the middle of the night and I'm asleep, if something's wrong, you wake me up and tell me, okay?" Casey hesitated, "Okay?"

Matt finally nodded, "Okay."

"Good," Kelly said, "come on, let's get lunch."

* * *

Kelly was woken out of a fairly deep sleep and was met with the sight of his room, nearly pitch black. He looked around and tried to figure out what had woken him up, then he heard a faint sound coming from the bathroom, and another, and another one.

"Casey?" he called out as he pushed the covers back and made his way from the bedroom to the bathroom door.

The light shone through the cracks around the doorframe, the sounds were slightly louder now but muffled. Kelly rapped on the door, "Casey? I'm coming in." He turned the knob, pulled the door open and saw Casey standing with his back against the sink, he was dressed only in a pair of sweatpants, his skin glistened from the shower and his hair was wet, he had both hands pressed over his mouth to try and stifle the sounds he was making.

"Casey, what's wrong?"

Casey closed his eyes and slowly inhaled, trying to pull himself together, but when he opened his mouth to answer, his voice broke as he told Kelly, "My hair's still falling out."

"What?" Kelly asked, still not fully awake and slow to remember. He got his answer when he looked and saw wet clumps of hair in the top of the wastebasket.

"Oh, Matt," he said sympathetically as he put his arms around Casey and pulled the shaking man against him and rubbed his back and up his arms, "It's going to be alright, just take it easy." He felt the tremors as Casey started hyperventilating as one particularly loud sob broke loose, "I know, I know, it's okay. Come on, come with me."

He put his hands on Casey's shoulders and walked the Truck captain out to the living room and had him sit down on the couch.

"Casey, how long has your hair been coming out?" Kelly asked as he sat down beside him.

Casey sighed and shook his head, "I don't know...I really don't know...a few weeks..."

"Okay," Kelly nodded, "So it might just take a little longer to finally stop."

"What if it doesn't?" Casey asked. "What if it _all_ falls out?"

"That won't happen," Kelly shook his head, "that doesn't happen."

"How do you know?" Casey asked defensively.

"I, just know," Kelly answered. He really didn't have any idea if it did or not, if that could or would happen or not, but right now he needed to give Casey something to believe in.

Casey's shoulders rose and fell in time with his half sobbing breaths as he tried to compose himself.

"You've always had thick hair and you know it," Kelly told him, "it'll grow back in no time. Nobody's noticed anything."

"I'm scared, Kelly," Casey shamefully admitted.

"I know, and I get it, if my hair was coming out I'd be freaking out," Kelly said.

"You've looked like somebody's grandpa for 10 years and that hasn't bothered you," Casey weakly tried to joke over his tears.

"Hey," Kelly mocked offense and playfully punched Casey's side. Casey got out a weak laugh.

"What's your diet look like these days?" Severide asked.

"What diet?" Casey replied jokingly.

Kelly reached over and lightly pulled on a small spike of Casey's wet hair, he didn't miss the small flinch on the captain's part as he anticipated more hair coming out. Only one strand did, to Kelly's relief.

"You know they make vitamins that are supposed to help hair growth...for the time being it might not be a bad idea to try it."

Casey looked at him and nodded uncertainly.

Kelly reached over and rubbed Casey's arm comfortingly and told him, "Come on, you need to get some sleep."

Casey shook his head, "I don't want to go back to bed."

"You can sleep out here," Kelly stood up, "come on, lie down."

It took a little coaxing but he finally got Casey to lay across the cushions on his stomach. Kelly grabbed the blanket off the couch and draped it over Casey and patted his shoulders.

"You're going to be alright, just get some rest," Kelly said.

Casey hesitantly pressed the side of his face against the arm of the couch and closed his eyes.

"Everything's going to be alright, buddy, just calm down."

* * *

Casey went on shift the next day, and came back the day after that. Now that his hair was shorter than it used to be, it didn't take near as long for it to get oily and dirty, but Casey was hesitant about taking a shower and seeing how much hair came out again. So Kelly had him lean over the kitchen sink and washed his hair for him, he didn't pay much attention to the hairs sticking to his hands through the shampoo, but when it was all over and he shut off the faucet, and tore off a few paper towels to sop up most of the water, he did a double take when he saw how many of the short hairs clung to the paper towels. But he balled them up and tossed them in the trash and merely said to Matt, "There, that wasn't so bad."

Casey straightened his spine and turned to face Kelly and told him, "Thanks."

* * *

Kelly had been asleep when he suddenly felt somebody poking him, it jerked him awake and he sat up and said shakily, "I'm awake-I'm awake!" He opened his eyes and saw Casey standing beside the bed hovering over him. "What is it, Matt?"

Casey looked at him for a minute, then finally with some reluctance answered, "Something...happened during last shift, and...I need to talk to you."

Kelly looked at him, then scooted over to the other side of the bed and told him, "Okay, climb in."

Casey pulled up the covers and got into bed beside Kelly. For the most part the two of them had been sleeping in Kelly's bed the last couple weeks, but the last couple nights Casey had gone back to his own room to try to adjust to sleeping alone again.

"Okay," Kelly said, "talk to me. What happened?"

Matt started to explain about the building fire they'd responded to, and the elevator with the bodies of a mother and her three-year-old daughter...it was an educated guess that they'd both died from smoke inhalation before the elevator stopped on the fire floor and the doors opened, but that never made these kinds of situations any easier to cope with. Casey was halfway through the recollection before he wound up in Kelly's arms sobbing, and he stayed there the rest of the night, long after he'd cried himself to sleep.

Kelly lay awake and stared up at the ceiling. This was all screwed up, it was one thing to go on these kinds of calls together, they might not talk about them afterwards but they were there for each other, each knew what the other was going through, and it helped. How long were things going to continue on like this? How long _could_ they stay like this? How long until he could finally leave OFI and come home to 51? Two weeks? A month? Six months? How far did the backlog run? And how much longer was it going to take given he was actually paying attention to the details and not just rubber stamping everything like they wanted him to? But if he _did_ just do what they wanted him to, what would they have planned for him next? Casey was right, there was something else at play, something up their sleeve, but what? And how could he find out? And what was it going to take to finish there and get back to Squad where he belonged? There had to be an answer somewhere, but what was it?

The next thing Kelly knew, it was morning, he wasn't sure if he'd actually slept or not, but Casey was still asleep, and finally he rolled over to his side of the bed and away from Kelly. As Severide sat up, he looked, and felt a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he noted the strands of Casey's hair on the pillow weren't near as many as had been coming out a few days ago. He hoped, but he didn't dare breathe a word of it incase he jinxed it, but he hoped that Casey was finally at a turning point.

* * *

"You okay?" Kelly asked as he saw Casey stop in the middle of the room, almost absently running his fingers through his short hair.

Casey felt along his head from front to back and came up with only one strand of hair in his hand, "My hair stopped falling out."

Kelly heaved a huge sigh of relief.

"That's great, buddy."

"Yeah, for a while there I was starting to worry how that was going to look," Casey commented.

Severide laughed. "How about everything else?"

Casey rolled up his sleeves to show the scratches had healed, and the skin was no longer pink and inflamed.

"Good, good. What about the rest?"

"I can actually eat again if that's what you mean," Casey said.

"And I know you're sleeping now because you were snoring in my ear all night," Kelly added.

Casey chuckled and lightly slapped his side.

"I'm glad you're feeling better," Severide told him. "Like I said, this won't be forever."

"I know, it just feels like it," Casey replied.

Kelly glumly nodded, "I know, I'm sorry, but it won't be so bad now."

"I know," Casey responded, "I just wish I knew how much _longer_ it's going to be."

"Me too," Kelly said, "trust me, it's going to take longer than OFI wants because they drafted someone that actually knows how to do their job."

Casey laughed.

"But I don't think it'll take too much longer," Severide added.

"What if they won't let you go?" Casey asked.

"What're they going to do? I haven't signed anything, they can't hold me to anything, I did this as a favor."

"And a quid pro quo to help Herrmann. How long do you think they can drag that out?" Casey asked.

"What're they gonna do? I quit and they call CPD and tell them to reinstate the complaint against Herrmann _months_ later?"

"I wouldn't put it past them," Matt replied.

"Maybe not, but I doubt it," Kelly said. "We're _going_ to get this figured out, Matt, don't worry."

"I'm _trying_ not to, but it's not easy on this end," Casey told him.

Kelly nodded, "I know, and I'm sorry I got you in this predicament too...but whatever it is they've got planned, we're going to find a way to beat them."

Casey knew it was getting late, knew they both had to be heading to work for the day, knew they'd have to pick this discussion up later. Today though, he knew he'd be able to get through shift without feeling like the ceiling was about to cave in on him. He grabbed his bag and got ready to leave and told Kelly, "See you tomorrow."

"Count on it," Kelly replied as he also got ready to head out the door.

* * *

Casey kicked the door shut on his pickup and grumbled to himself as he headed up to the apartment, stopping only long enough to get his key out and unlock the door, half coherent curses against Firehouse 20 coming out in a steady stream as he opened the door, headed in, and stopped dead in his tracks at the site of Kelly sitting on the couch in a pair of sweats watching TV.

"Hey Casey, what's up?"

Casey dropped his bag and looked around the apartment. "What're you doing here? Is it the weekend again already? I'm losing my mind, I don't even know what day it is anymore."

"No it's not the weekend," Kelly told him with a knowing smirk on his face, "I'm home."

"What happened, you call in sick?" Casey asked.

"Better, I got fired," Kelly said.

Casey did a double take, "What?"

"Yep," Kelly nodded.

Casey's eyes roamed around the apartment and he said suddenly, "I'm dreaming, I'm still in my bunk at 51."

"Nope," Kelly stood up, "not a dream, I'm back and this time it's permanent."

Casey looked at him skeptically, "What do you mean you got fired? You've never been fired from anything in your life."

"Well there's a first time for everything," Kelly told him, "I'm transferred back to 51 as of next shift. And since I got fired and I didn't quit, Grissom can't do anything about it and he can't renege on the deal for Herrmann. So it's all over, Casey, I'm back."

Casey looked at Severide as if he didn't dare believe what he was hearing. "You're kidding."

Kelly grinned and shook his head, "I wouldn't do that to you, Casey, and you know it."

"You're really back?" Matt asked hopefully.

Kelly nodded with an expression like he'd swallowed the whole pet store section of canaries.

Casey's mouth dropped open for a couple seconds before he let out a howling victory cry and lunged at Kelly and hugged the Squad lieutenant tightly as he vaguely felt himself jumping up and down.

"Oh my God," Casey said in a weak voice when he didn't have any air left in him from screaming, he dropped his head on Kelly's shoulder and told him, "I don't believe this."

"Believe it, buddy," Kelly told him, "I'm coming back with you on next shift."

"Oh good," Casey heaved in another breath, "because we need you, you wouldn't believe what's going on."

Kelly grinned as he patted Casey on the back and told him, "Tell me, I need to be caught up on everything when we go back. Now, what about the idiots from Firehouse 20?"

"Oh you won't believe it, Kelly," Casey said as the two of them headed to the kitchen to start on breakfast, "wait'll you hear this..."


End file.
